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20120731
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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 58 (some duplicates have been removed)
times out of 10, is the point. ( laughter ) but i see what happened here. by using the phrase "you didn't build that," you create confusion by using the demonstrative single pronoun that instead of the plural anaphase those, which of course was referring to the antecedent roads and bridges-- oh, my butt gust gave itself a wedgy. my butt is giving myself a grammar wedgy. why would do that! but you're inan meat and i'm wearing you. why would you do that? it is true, though, especially in politics. never say "that," because the singular demonstrative pronoun points to a specific finger. always use the plural "those." then you don't get in trouble. instead of saying this. >> i did not have sexual relations with that woman. ( laughter ). >> jon: see, that specific woman-- what you want to say is, "i did not have sex with those women, those women." that-- wait ( cheers and applause ) no, that's-- okay. that's a bad example. ( laughter ). anyway, you'd have to be a real shyster. given the surrounding context of obama's remarks, including his "the point is" discussion, to make willful hay out
this summer where a teddy bear uses a urinal, make it "ted." (laughter) we begin tonight with fast and furious, a scandal which as you'll recall fast and furious was a program where we allowed untrackable guns to be sent to mexico in an effort to track... (laughter). ... guns going to... it's the zaniest south of the border mixup since "the three amigos." (applause) by the way, this segment brought to you by "the three amigos. the three amigos." because two amigos would have been a stupid (bleep)ing movie. (laughter) there were a lot of different punch lines to that one. last week brought a troubling new development to the fast and furious story. >> president obama today for the first time asserted executive privilege to shield justice department documents dealing with what's become known as the fast and furious scandal. >> jon: so there it is! an a.t.f. program, disastrous and deadly results, statements by the department of justice that don't match with previous statements. and barack obama's first innovation of executive privilege. the white house on its heels. it looks bad. it is bad. repub
- uh, well, listen, that sounds like a great idea, ari. you should have him meet us in napa. - what's up in napa? you guys crushing grapes with coppola? - no buddy, see, after your little conversation with vince, he had a major meltdown. feels he let you down, so he just jumped in the car and drove up. - are you kidding me? - vince driving, that's how messed up he is. - yeah, i'm behind him on the road about 30 miles right now. he won't stop or answer his cell phone. and i could use your help up there. - that's like a seven-hour drive. - the traffic's not that bad, but, you know, whatever, ari. - keep your phone on. i'm heading north. [tires screech] [rock music playing] - you think he bought it? - hook, line, and sinker. - way to sell it! - hey, hey, hey, you guys ready for some roast? - yes, that looks good, drama. - ♪ please allow me to introduce myself ♪ ♪ i'm a man of wealth and taste ♪ ♪ i've been around for a long long year ♪ ♪ stole many a man's soul and faith... ♪ ♪ and i was around when jesus christ ♪ ♪ had his moment ♪ of doubt and pain ♪ made da
qaeda moneymen and the iranian government trying to get around u.s. embargos. (laughter) >> jon: hsbc is laundering money for terrorists and drug cartels, i guess that explains their slogan, hsbc, helping people without want to kill you since 1991. (laughter) or hsbc, the hood money, you had ma me at money. or hsbc, the s stands for-- (laughter) got a lot of those. anyway i give you the senate testimony of the head of hsbc david bagley, this should be good. >> i have said before and i will say again, despite the best efforts and intentions of many dedicated professionals, hsbc has fallen short of our own expectations and the expectations of our regulators. >> jon: really, fallen short? fallen short of the expectations of regulators. that's something you say when you were supposed to submit a form by the 12th and didn't get it in until the 15th. (laughter) the expectation you fell short of is the one that the bank my son's lemonade stand passport account money in is also helping out al qaeda by shoulder-- buy shoulder mounted stinger missiles. that is today's global update. let's turn
like this? there's so many levels. he's so deep. don't you remember when he used to talk out of his butt and made people laugh? [laughter] he probably spends so much time on this site because he doesn't want to listen to jenny mccarthy yap about vaccines. oh, jenny, you're getting old. [laughter] if you'll notice, there's 23 items, on that page. and if you notice the bird, is spitting out three at a time. 3 minus 2, 1 plus 2, 23. [laughter] you see the head on the ground, there's teeth in there. i see seven teeth. 7 minus 6 is one, plus 22, is 23. [laughter] he's showing up 6 fingers, 23 -- [laughter] knock it off. next week, the risky business girls stop by for a web redemption. ♪ oh! good news. they're hot. bad news. they're 15. hey, make sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. check out my tour schedule and make sure you keep up with our daily blog at comedycentral.com/tosh.o. before we go, let's get to the least important part of the show, you, the fans. [laughter] here's some of your twitter questions. great show. will i see any vomiting this seas
have been driving us nuts with [bleep] for months. oh, the ruling is going to come, it was like christmas morning for you guys. you were bugging everybody, what are we going to get, is it in there? can you tell me what it is, what is it, can i shake it. then you run downstairs and your parents are like slow down there, ace, we got all day but you can't [bleep] yourself, you can! (laughter) you see the present with your name on it under the tree and you just can't-- i just going to -- -- huh? (laughter) you got me just red gunk and feathers and i'm like it was a parrot you [bleep]! (applause) i'm sorry mr. crackers. it's one of my earliest childhood memories. (cheers and applause) >> jon: that actually happened, no, settle down. well, by a 5-4 decision what actually happened was chief justice john roberts joined the liberal justices and wrote the majority opinion that the individual mandate deemed unconstitutional under the commerce clause but that didn't matter because the decision yun held the individual mandate as within congress's power to levy taxes. it was very confusing, u
small amounts of marijuana. you would be permitted to carry up to 25 grams for personal use without getting arrested. to remind you, 25 grams is is-- it's snuff to fill this. it's enough to fill this-- i think we must have mice here because it was up to here, and there were, like, five bags of doritos around here. ( laughter ). and they're all-- that's fine. never mind, just to show you. let me just get that. so it's-- by the way, i don't know if you can tell, this is labeled so that i know. ( laughter ). anyway, so i just want to refill it up to show you what would be legal, you know. >> governor cuomo today confirming his proposal to decriminalize small amountof marijuana is dead. so it went up in smoke following opposition in the republican-controlled state senate. >> ooooh! >> jon: would you excuse me just one second? ( laughter ) ( toilet flushing ) probably wondering why i have i toilet under there. ( laughter ). seeing as the show is 22 minutes long. ( laughter ). hey, man, i'm not superman. look, here's the crazy part-- this bill is dead in new york, but in new jersey, the
snap on us today? crazy, right? somebody needs to get twirked. - yeah. - i'm not gonna be the one twirking her, if she treats me like that, and i'm a good twirker. - we know. we hear you. - you're a great twirker. she doesn't even deserve one ounce of your twirk. - you got to move your hips like a figure eight. damn. - yep, there it is. - she's a freaking trick-ass b-yotch. she is, yeah. and i almost feel like calling her up again and giving her a piece of my mind. - been there, huh? - i thought of the best one today. i was like-- you know how you're always like, "oh, man, i wish i could have said that," after some stuff just happened? - always. - that's what happened. - what was it? - do it. - no, i don't think i-- - you got to, man, if it's that good. - it's ringing, it's ringing. shhh, shhh, shhh. - i can't wait to hear it. - hello? alice? uh, this is, uh, not adam. you are a [bleep]. you're a [bleep]. you're a dumb [bleep]. - you thought of that today? - yeah, earlier. - nice. [dog snorts, party horn honks] (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: w
, throwing to his colleague brian ross who found something... i believe george stephanopoulos used the phrase "that might be significant." go! >> there's a jim holmes in the aurora tea party site talking about him joining the tea party last year. we don't know if this is the same jim holmes, but it's a jim holmes of roerz, colorado. (audience reacts) >> jon: obviously correct response to that statement is brian, i thought you said you had something significant! (laughter) not "hey, george, let me interrupt you, i put the name james holmes into my search engine and hit the "i'm feeling lazy button." (laughter and applause) of course stephanopoulos is in the middle... stephanopoulos is in the middle of doing a lot of things and i'm assuming he was under the impression that brian ross checked out this (bleep) he's saying on air before saying it. because brian ross is the chief investigative correspondent and not, let's say, the office gossip. (laughter) yeah, jim hums and he's totally a porn star and i... (laughter) i'm just... george, i'm just saying the killer is a porn star. (laughter) oh, wa
- [gurgling] - hold on. - she's dead. - well, i think it's time for us to leave the poor girl alone. [thundering] [rooster crowing] [bell ringing] - mornin', bill. - mornin', joe. - nice-lookin' corn. - hey, sharon, randy, great harvest, huh? - an incredible harvest. some of the best corn i've seen in years. - hey, check it out. - and the young girl has really taken the country by storm. hannah montana's miley cyrus, though only 15 years old, is already on her way to being a major superstar. - looks like next harvest will be even better. ♪ re tus all: ♪ hote homnibus ♪ re u tu te form-day-boose ♪ ♪ flay-tus ♪ ko-me-fay ko-me-fay ♪ - ♪ sancto may us ko-me-fay ♪ captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, everybody, welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. oh, lordy, lordy, lordy, we've got a good one for you tonight. our guest: seth mcfarlane, the gentleman behind "family guy." let me just say this, if you see one movie this summer where a teddy bear uses a
. - you're queefing this to me? - oh, cool. - use it well. mm, girl, come here. you about to get tore up. - montez, you're not a total piece of [bleep]. man, you're the man. - i got the baby oil. go on in there with your fine ass, girl. - you're my hero, thank you. this is such a cool thing. - hey, hey! - we were gonna go. - close the door. - can we borrow the r-- you said we could-- - we're supposed to borrow it to go to the xzibit concert? - just hurry up. - do you remember? - all right, we'll just wait. we'll wait a little bit. [montez and colleen moaning] - well, it's been like an hour. should we go get a snack or something? - yeah, it's hot, man. i could go for a drink. [splashing] - [moaning] - whoa! - yes. anything but a squirt. - nice. [snorting] [party horn blows] captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we have a guest tonight, the great matthew mcconaughey -- [cheers and applause] -- is going to be joining us. we're going to sit right here together, two men, one shirt. [ l
. if someone wants to stop us, they'll have to take action to try to stop us. >> jon: what the ( bleep )! wait! how did governor-- guys stop smoking pot, it's against the law-- go dirty harry on ignoring the federal ban on sports gambling. what's the difference between the two? >> i don't think any of us are of the illusion that betting on nfl games isn't happening every week in new jersey. ( laughter ). >> jon: okay. i have an idea. let's replace the phrase "betting on nfl games" with the phrase "getting high." ( laughter ) different how? >> that may have been a different feeling 30 or 40 years ago, but the fact is now gaming is everywhere. >> jon: let's replace the word "gaming" with the phrase "getting high." ( laughter ) still not seeing why challenging federal law for gambling is okay, challenging it for pot is not okay. >> let's have the people who benefit from it be the people the state of new jersey, not criminal organizations across new jersey, who are benefiting from it now. >> jon: okay, well let's replace-- ( laughter ) actually, you don't need to replace any words in that. ( la
jones is going to be joining us. (cheers and applause) you think i'm lying. i'm not lying. folks continuation has begun. the first triple x olympics. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i'm being told that's the 30th olympics. (laughter) you sure it's not triple x. have you seen the beach volleyball? you have seen it? someone has sand in their butt. (laughter) you remember the beijing opening ceremonies, where a tribute to what monolithic state control can accomplish. like the summoning of a thousand, 100,000 drummers to beat out, we will defeat new synchronized morse code. well, the london olympics seize your autocratic perfection and raises you the power of freedom. from giant ghost babies to a tribute to the flying bicycle, from kenneth branagh's smug approval to mr. bean's devastatingly entertaining total incompetence. oh, bean, you should be fired. the u.k. painted with all of freedom's colors including the queen of danger, double o, oh no you-- geronimoooooooo base hilarious is the head who wears the crown. it was an incredible, cheeky at times, poignant spectacle. (laughter) ver
and applause] -- is going to be joining us. we're going to sit right here together, two men, one shirt. [ laughter ] settle down, the shirtless one is not the one you think it will be. [ laughter ] it's been so hot today. mmmm -- exciting for the show because for the first time since our show was taken off the air in the uk18 months ago, the uk can finally watch us every night again. that's right. we're back, baby. ba, ba, boom! it will be a right jolly rogering it will be. [ laughter ] in case our british viewers have been wondering what they may have missed there was the incredibly understated news of the world scandal coverage, our in no way derogatory look at your queen's rain soaked birthday flotilla and the respectful coverage of your royal wedding. ♪ oh, yeah, hitler is hiding in there ♪ [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] hold on. sorry. i'm being told we're no longer on the air in the united kingdom. i forgotten paddington bear was (bleep) off during that scene for no apparent reason whatsoever. [ laughter ] been a rough ride as of late for the pasty friends across the pond
's motorcade was pelted with tomatoes and shoes as she left the newly reopened u.s. consulate. (laughter) what? what is going on, egypt? you're mad at us when we prop up your dictator for 30 years and now you're mad at us when we go visit the guy you voted for? i mean, what! (laughter) you supply one country's military with tear gas canisters that they use on their own populous and they never stop crying about it. (laughter) mainly because their tear ducts are damaged. (laughter) by the way, i know that you there in egypt are new to the whole public protest thing there you know, but the literal throwing of tomatoes is... (laughter) it's a bit of a cliche, you know what i mean? people in the post-vaudevilleian era don't actually throw tomatoes. unless you're throwing them at bugs bunny. if you insist on throwing food, why not bring a bit of your own culture fare. look at the greeks. when they're upset they throw... (laughter) when they're upset they throw buckets of their country's signature bacterially fermented milk, yogurt. it's protest statement and an expression of national pride. you coul
] - my god. - hey, what the hell are you doing here? you got nothing on us! 700 million box office! - this is bull[...]! - ahhh, ahhh! - boys, we got 'em. - what? - spielberg and lucas, they were raping a storm trooper when the police broke in. - and they found the dead, raped bodies of yoda and short round in their closet. they'll never be free to do this again. - so what now? - do you think things can ever go back to n-n-normal after this? - what do we do? - we live. that's what indie would have wanted. we just try to live. [guns cocking] - everyone just stay where you are until we can sort this all out. - there's nothing to sort out. these kids need to be put in jail. - we're going to search everyone and get statements and then-- - sir! sir, it's over! they got 'em. - got who? - spielberg and lucas, they finally got 'em for what they did to indiana jones, sir. - ahh, ahhh! ohh, they got 'em. - they got 'em. it's over. - it's over. - that means they'll never be free to rape again. - it's over, it's over! - justice! [group sobbing] - they got 'em, - it's over! - i love you. - i lo
: the a.t.f. did send a bunch of guns to mexican drug gangs. one of those guns was used to kill a u.s. border agent. so you know if holder didn't turn over the documents this was coming. >> the committee meets today to consider reporting a resolution to the house of representatives finding the attorney general eric holder, jr., in contempt of congress. >> jon: ow. that's got to sting. congress holding something else in contempt. (laughter) it's like when you give a dog a banana and they go "i don't eat that." and you're like "you lick your balls but a banana is beneath you?" (laughter) seriously, why won't dogs eat bananas? is that just my dog? it won't eat bananas. do your dogs eat bananas? yeah, dogs hate (bleep)ing bananas. what are we talking about? (laughter) back to the attorney general and the program where they sold guns to mexican drug lords. i guess they're going to have to turn those documents over. unless... >> president obama has entered the fray and asserted executive privilege over the documents that have been requested by congressman issa. >> president bush asserted si
) the greek. (laughter) libor is the rate that banks use when lending money to each other. and so libor becomes the benchmark for, really, all money lending on, let's say, earth. credit cards, student loan, adjustable rate mortgages. if you see a number outside the bank's placard with balloons tied to it it has been set in some way by libor. sorry, i interrupted you. >> this libor rate was manipulate bade number of banks during the financial crisis. >> jon: what an attractive young... wait, what did she say in (laughter) very sweet lady just delivered terrible news! i'm going to need to see some very concrete evidence that banks knowingly and deliberately submitted false libor rates. >> but what we're now seeing very concrete evidence of is that the banks deliberately and knowingly submitted false data. (laughter) okay, the banks submitted false data. probably for the good of the entire economy, as a liquidity enhancement that serves all of mankind and... >> ...to benefit themselves. (laughter and applause) >> jon: bankers! never trust anything that rimes with west bankers. (laughter) y
's go through them one by one. security, how bad can it be? >> one police officer told us that the hotel where officials are staying there were supposed to be 80 guards, two showed up and within was arrested because he had marijuana in his pockets. [ laughter ] >> jon: you know it's bad when johnny wake and bake is the responsible guard. i can't imagine what is in the pockets of the other 78 guys who didn't show up. you want special k? you just need a good security trainer, a guy who is going whip these guys into shape. >> undercover sun video shows a security trainer who thinks knives are not a threat. >> if you have a knife what kind of damage are they talking about doing with a knife? you can make stab, one or two or three people. >> jon: olympic organizers i have something you could add to the application, a question could you put in there? what do you believe is the acceptable number of acceptable number of stabbings on your watch? a, zero. b, anything other than zero. [ laughter ] all right. so security is an issue. transportation gridlock but it's notice a problem because public s
and applause) that's right, i use the same shampoo as my dressage horses. (laughter) so you're telling me it's too soon to even have a conversation about it? you're telling me that to discuss the epidemic of gun violence in this country, for that there is a waiting period? yeah, i guess you'd hate to go into a conversation about guns all hot-headed. (laughter) say something impulsively you'll never be able to take back. look, this is the time to talk about all of it. everything should be on the table. anything that could possibly help mitigate these terrible events. i'm not even saying gun control would do it. i'm just saying it's got to be part of the conversation. is there anything we can talk about that shows this country's problem-solving mechanism is not irrevocably damaged? >> should costumes be banned from movie theaters? (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> jon: all right, didn't realize... (cheers and applause) i stand corrected. problem solved. (laughter) there is one area of this mess that i think is also worthy of comment. and it's the subject of our new egg system "what story doe
can give us a clue. >> we had been lobbying congress for months to overturn the depression-era glass-stegall act. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: oh, right. it was you! it would be one thing if sandy weill was saying, hey, we never should have repealed that law. but that's not what he's saying. >> i think the world changes and the world that we live in now is different than the world we lived in 10 years ago. >> jon: i mean, for instance, now we have smartphones. ( laughter ) the kids from harry potter films all grown up. and there is a smoldering rubble where our financial system used to exist. ( laughter ) that's okay. so the guy reaps enormous riches by pulling the last gena piece of what was holding up our economy now thinks we shouldn't have done that. congress can always reinstate that legislation until thearls as,. >> the purpose is to put a moratorium on regulation until the economy bounces back and unemployment nationally goes below 6%. >> jon: so the reform that sandy weill thinks could help fix the economy could not be reinstated until, according to this legislation
necessarily have to kill hitler. but this retroactive retirement is the worst use of a time machine i have ever seen. romney's week wasn't only about why no one seemed to know when to throw his bain retirement party. there is also the issue of his offshore investments an and-- explain that. >> i don't manage the money that i have. in order to make sure that i didn't have a conflict of interest while i was governor, or while i was considering a run for national office, i had a blind trust established. >> jon: oh. so-to-avoid a conflict of interest mattered so much to mitt romney he actually blinded the man running his money. that's-- (laughter) i would like you to manage my money. oh, and one more thing-- boop. all right so, romney's money was in a blind trust. i guess that's a pretty good excuse. unless a blind trust is a ruse. >> the blind trust is an age-old ruse, if you will, which is to say you can always tell a blind trust what it can and cannot do. you give a blind trust rules. (cheers and applause) >> jon: wait, wait, wait. to the time machine! to retroactively retire that sound bit
border patrol agents >> jon: i will use the banks of the rio grande and then i will tilt america slightly up about 38 degrees. that will solve the problem. they will slide. it's why mitt romney faced a bit of a challenge when he and president barack obama both spoke last week at the national association of latino-elected and appointed officials neleo as we found out in another installment of our latin grammy award winning series, the panderers or los panderos. yes. yes. now, the greeting at these events is everything. you never get a second chance to make a first impression. first up, mitt romney >> i come to you as a candidate for the president of the united states. of america. >> jon: ooo. i'm not so sure that was a plea for unity as much as a guy addressing a room or he's not sure everybody speaks english. are you comfort-a-ble your chair-o... chair-o. all right. let's see obama's open >> it's good to be back at naleo. (speaking spanish) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: now i know why the economy isn't doing so well. he spent the past three years doing rosetta stone tapes. first one goe
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 58 (some duplicates have been removed)